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Hmmmm..

This might be a downer for some people, but I have decided that a lot of what I may type is going to be about my sister.  It helps me if I can write things down even though I really doubt anyone reads it.  I posted earlier but after work I called my mom to see how my sister was doing.  She told me that she’s not doing so good… that she’s acting really confused off and on.  Mom said that my sister is really scared.  It is new to me to hear this because she always seem to be so ‘ok’ with death and ‘whatever happens’.  I think she senses that the end is near.  This really upsets me.  I took a pill my doctor gave me to calm me down when I feel this way and it seems to have helped.  I told my mom I have a week of vacation right now so I can come down whenever she feels like the final days are here.  I didn’t expect this so quickly.  Just at Thanksgiving we were all together.  My mom isn’t in this picture because she had the camera.  I wish now I’d set it on the counter but I had no idea at that time that it would be the last picture of my sister when she still had hair.  Nor did I know that it would be one of (probably the last) photo I have of my sister and I.  My dad looks very upset and lost… I think he was at that time.  I think he’s doing better now.  We all are.  Anyway, let me find that photo.  Oh good.  Here it is.  I’ll always love this photo.

Anyway.  I bought a few books about dying to try to prepare for my sisters passing.  I pray it won’t happen, but I try to be realistic.  That helps me spend more time with her while I can instead of hoping for a cure.  Her pastor is a nice man, but he says things like ‘God can fix this Liz.  Just keep working and trying new things.’  I’d rather that the man she has faith in do his best to comfort her.  He should be there tonight while she’s scared and lonely… comforting her… preparing her to meet God… telling her what a wonderful experience it will be… one that the rest of us have to wait to do.  I want to tell her that I will miss her.  I want to tell her that I will be ok and I will do what I can to help her children if they ever need real help.  I want to tell her that it’s ok for her to go.  I want to tell her that I’ll see her on the other side when I get there!

 Oh, about the books I bought.  One of them is called Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying” by Maggie Callanan (Author), Patricia Kelley.  They are a couple of Hospice nurses.  Mom said this is a wonderful book.  I brought it home to read myself.  I can already see though that my sister is beginning to show the signs of ‘the end’.  I’m sad because it’s happening quicker than I thought.  I need to get down there.  I pray she’ll be ok until this weekend at least.

Ok, I’m rambling.  That’s enough for now.  I’m sad though.  I don’t think I’ll have much more time to spend with my sister.  I am sad for my parents too.  I wasn’t sure of my plans for this weekend before, but now I know.  I’m going to catch a plane and go to Tampa to spend time with my family.  I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow.  With all the time I’ve been putting in I’m sure he’ll let me catch a Friday afternoon flight to Tampa rather than having to wait til Saturday morning..

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